The Pitfalls of Perfectionist Parents

Have you ever met a happy perfectionist? Me neither. Oh, maybe for a period of time when all is going well or when the latest task was right on track. But what happens when life happens and things just aren’t quite what was planned?

The practice of perfectionism has a way of stealing joy from us and those around us.  As parents, we have to be on guard so that we don’t transfer our perfectionist tendencies to our kids.

 

If you are a perfectionist, you already know the problems this habit can cause. I know first hand. A perfectionist may get great satisfaction and even some extra praise for a job well done. But she also feels intense pressure to sustain this perfect role in all areas of life.

I remember specifically a time in my life where I was a young wife, mom, teacher, minister’s wife, etc., etc., etc. I was able to maintain my roles fairly well, but certainly not up to the standard I had set for myself. Because of my perfectionist tendencies, I became increasingly frustrated because I could do many things, but I could not do even one of them to the extent that I wanted to. So I constantly felt like I was hobbling along in all areas of my life and doing nothing particularly well. That, my friends, is a joy stealer.

Another drawback of perfectionism is the tendency to transfer this burden to our kids. As a mom and a teacher, I have seen perfectionism take its toll on kids. When we expect kids to be perfect, they begin to become too critical of themselves. Many will stop putting forth effort on a task because they do not believe they can reach the expectation, so why try? When kids don’t persevere through hard tasks, their problem-solving skills suffer. The opposite effect can also be true. Some perfectionist kids are addicted to getting things done so perfectly that they will not relax until they have done so. Anxiety skyrockets in these kids.

There’s got to be a better way to walk through life.

I believe we have to start with showing grace to ourselves and our children.

Here’s how we can start.

Practice looking at the process instead of the product.

For a recovering perfectionist like me, this is extremely difficult. We may endure the journey to completion, but we love to look back at the final product and admire a job well done. While the end result is important, the middle is key. While completing a task, ask yourself what you love about what you are doing. Focus on the enjoyment of the journey.

With children, the way we speak to them during the process of finishing a task is so very important. When we focus all our praise on the finished product, they begin to believe that is all that matters. But when we praise the hard work and the tenacity it took to get there, we are putting importance on the journey. For example, when your son wins the championship game, you may be tempted to praise his athletic ability or tell him he is the star or the team. Not a horrible thing to say, but what if you praised the effort you saw on the field or better yet, the effort you saw him give the last several months as he prepared for the championship game.

Adopt the “good enough” philosophy.

No perfectionist likes to hear the words “good enough.” These words are curse words to us! However,  when you or your child is deeply entrenched in perfectionism, you must use the offending words often. Start with something simple, like housekeeping. Even though I am not a great housekeeper, there are certain things I like to be a certain way. I had to say “good enough” on some of those things for my well-being as well as that of my family. It gets harder when the stakes are a little higher. In your job, you may have to complete a task well, stopping short of perfection, so that other important tasks can be completed on time. It takes some practice to prioritize what gets the most time and energy, but it has to be done.

When raising our kids, the “good enough” philosophy may be even harder to swallow. We want our kids to be successful in what they do, but for me, I confess I was also concerned with how my children’s choices reflected on me. We have to help them decide what is important enough to spend time on and what can be done well, but not perfectly. The troubles come when their idea and our idea of doing something well do not mesh. That brings me to the last point in avoiding the pitfalls of perfectionism.

Emphasize excellence over perfection.

Some might question how striving toward excellence is much different than striving toward perfection. But there is a very big difference. Perfectionism emphasizes the final outcome. Did you make 100%, did you win the game, did your drawing look exactly like you had planned? Excellence has a very different feeling attached to it. Aristotle said, “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then is not an act, but a habit.” Excellence emphasizes the steps taken to reach a result. It basically says that your success comes from your ability to persevere until the end, not the final result.

The child who won’t begin a difficult task because he sees no way of completing it perfectly can find value in doing the best he can regardless of the result. The student who can’t stop working on a project until it is perfect is let off the hook when she realizes that the process of giving her all to the assignment is just as important, or maybe even more so, as the final product.

Striving for perfection may reward us with extra praise or incredible results for a short period of time. The rest of our time is spent being enslaved to the demands of ourselves or others who put those high expectations on us. We have to begin to break the cycle if we are to live freely to be our best selves. And when we do, our children and those around us will benefit greatly. Give it a shot. It’s worth the effort.

In what part of your daily life will you begin to emphasize process over product?

How can you change what you say to your children to show them that you are more interested in their practicing excellence than perfection?

 

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, remembering that as members of the same body you are called to live in harmony, and never forget to be thankful for what God has done for you.

Colossians 3:15