What NOT to Say During a Crisis

Whether you are in the middle of a personal crisis or you are watching others navigate their own troubles, it is difficult to know when to speak and when to refrain. And if you choose to speak, what are the best words to say?

I have been given an incredible life, but as is true of all people, it has not been free of trouble or pain. One of the most difficult times was the unexpected death of my father. During that time, we were all reeling from the news and we numbly went through the motions of funeral preparations, family visitation, funeral, and then, of course, the necessary tasks of living life the days and weeks following the tragedy.

The people in our life at that time were INCREDIBLE! There is no way to even describe the outpouring of love that we felt. Words spoken about my dad and his influence. Meals brought without being asked. Grass mowed. Notes written. Texts received.

However, there were those few times that we wondered what that person must have been thinking when certain words crossed their lips. Offering to let mom in on her secret for weight loss. Not really at the top of the priority list today. Or a time when someone dropped the ball. The hospital my dad was taken to checking on his condition. Um, he didn’t make it.

The truth is that we all have had times when we didn’t know what to say in a time of crisis.

I have found a fantastic little visual to help by making sure what we say is appropriate to the person we are talking to.

The “Ring Theory” was developed by Susan Silk, a clinical psychologist. It is super simple to comprehend and put into practice.

To create the visual, you first draw a circle and place the name of the person or people who are directly affected by the crisis. You then continue to draw concentric rings. Each successive ring contains the names of the people affected by the crisis, with the closest rings to the center being the people affected the greatest. The rings would continue out from the center until you list the least affected people in that tragedy.

For instance, Mom would be in the center of the circle when Dad died. My siblings and I would be in the next circle, followed by close family, extended family and close friends, friends, and then acquaintances.

Now that you have the visual, here is where you can decide what is best to say.

Find yourself on the rings. When you are with those closest to the center of the rings, you may want to just be present and speak very little. Concentrate on listening. But when you do speak, you should only speak words of comfort and support. No advice. Just say “I’m sorry.” “I’m praying” (and be sure to mean that). “I’m bringing dinner tomorrow night.”

But it is not helpful for you to speak about yourself, your worries, fears, frustrations, and anger. Don’t say, “Here’s what I would do.” Or “This makes me so angry (or sad or frustrated).” Or “You know, I’ve gone through something similar, and I survived.” Speak those feelings to the people moving out from your spot on the circle.

The key words to remember are “Comfort IN, Dump OUT.”

We have all been a part of a crisis or a tragedy. Some people have been hit more than others. But the truth is that no matter our age or circumstances, we will all face hard times and difficult days. And more often, we will be the support for someone in crisis. Now we have a visible way to help with our words.

What words or actions would you add to my suggestions? What has helped you the most during times of crisis?

 

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, remembering that as members of the same body you are called to live in harmony, and never forget to be thankful for what God has done for you.

Colossians 3:15